Four Subtle Ways People Sabotage Healthy Relationships
Even when we genuinely want a healthy, secure relationship, it’s easy to fall into patterns that quietly undermine it. Most of these patterns aren’t intentional. They’re protective strategies our minds and nervous systems learned earlier in life—ways of staying safe, avoiding rejection, or preventing disappointment. I see this often in my work with clients, not because they don’t care, but because old habits can make true safety and stability feel unfamiliar at first.
Below are four patterns that tend to show up, and what the research says about how to shift them.
1. Taking thoughts too literally
Our minds are powerful storytellers. If your partner seems distracted or quieter than usual, it’s easy to interpret that as rejection or disinterest. But as cognitive-behavioral research reminds us, thoughts are interpretations, not facts. When anxiety or old wounds color perception, our brains often fill in the blanks with worst-case scenarios.
Learning to pause before assuming the meaning of something can help protect both you and the relationship from unnecessary distance. Even a simple mental check-in like asking yourself, “What else could be true?” can calm your nervous system and make space for curiosity instead of defensiveness.
2. Confusing calm with disconnection
If you grew up in an environment where love was unpredictable or intense, steady affection might feel foreign, even dull. The body learns to associate adrenaline and chaos with connection, so when a relationship feels safe, it can register as unfamiliar.
Our nervous systems often equate calm with danger if we were conditioned to expect instability. Over time, learning to regulate your body’s stress response through grounding, mindful breathing, or co-regulation with your partner helps you start to experience calm as comfort, not boredom. Stable love doesn’t spike adrenaline; it builds trust.
3. Wanting emotional depth but guarding vulnerability
Many people long for a partner who checks in emotionally but has a hard time revealing their own inner world. It’s a common dynamic: you want closeness, but the idea of being fully seen feels risky.
The psychological benefits of vulnerability are substantial. Dr. John Gottman, a prominent psychologist known for his work on marital stability, asserts that vulnerability is essential for trust-building. His research at the Gottman Institute reveals that couples who regularly engage in vulnerable communication are less likely to experience conflicts and more adept at resolving disagreements constructively (Gottman Institute, 2022)
4. Trying to control uncertainty
Relationships are inherently unpredictable. The more we try to control or define every outcome, the less room there is for organic connection. This impulse often comes from fear of loss, rejection, or not being enough. But attempts to manage that fear through control can backfire, leading to tension and disconnection.
Attachment research shows that securely attached individuals are better able to tolerate uncertainty, trusting both themselves and their partners to navigate challenges as they arise. Building that tolerance takes practice: grounding yourself in the present, letting go of what-if scenarios, and reminding yourself that uncertainty doesn’t equal danger.
Secure attachment doesn’t mean perfection or constant ease. It means being able to move toward connection—even when something feels uncomfortable—because you trust that repair, communication, and mutual care are possible.
Healthy relationships aren't about getting everything right; they’re about awareness. The more you get to know your own patterns, the nervous system responses and beliefs driving them, the more naturally you can lean into connection vs. self-protection.
If any of these patterns feel familiar, therapy can be a powerful space to explore where they come from and how to shift them. SGTG offers individual and couples sessions and free 15-minute consultations if you’d like to talk about what support could look like.
About the Author
Corinne Bloom, LSW is a social worker specializing in anxiety, depression, emotional regulation, life transitions and relationship issues. She utilizes CBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Psychodynamic Therapy. Read more about Corinne here.
